Maternity Life

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. My feelings? I don't quite know. I'm not sure whether to blame that on pregnancy hormones or my heart. It has been such a challenging season and my overall attitude hasn't been the most positive these days.

Let me start by saying that I'm completely blessed. My life isn't really that hard. My work is one of the most fun things I get to do. My family is more amazing than I ever could imagine. We are so taken care of.

So... what's my deal? 

For those of you who don't know, I'm expecting my next little one this summer. Our sweet Isabella Joy is expected to arrive this August. We are beyond thrilled and love her deeply already. However, carrying her the last six months has been well... to put it honestly... one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Even when you take away the extreme morning sickness, the hospital trips and sciatic nerve pain - I wouldn't want to repeat this experience again. It's all worth it for my daughter, but I am not enjoying it. And, you know what, that's okay.

A lot of ladies warned me about the second pregnancy being significantly harder. They were right. Add a full-time business, six-year-old, house to take care of, farmers market and friends to the mix and what have you got? A recipe for some needed time management to say the least. Why is it that I still feel the need to take it all on myself? And with that, to expect to gain two pounds and look like a supermodel?

Hmmm... something doesn't seem right here. 

I don't always admit it publicly, but I want to be the most put together in the room. Who's putting that pressure on me? Me. Granted, there are times of friendly competition in this industry but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that inner push for perfection. It doesn't push me to healthy habits or ways of thinking, but an unhealthy view of myself to the point of depression. I know that is a strong word but it is the truth.

This pregnancy has revealed this behavior of mine more than most things in my life. I had no control over the sickness and inability to do work. I have no control over what pregnancy has done to my body. I don't have the control and I don't like it. There isn't much I can do to change the situation right now and I have to find joy despite the circumstance. Much harder said than done, but necessary for me and my family.

Today wasn't my best. I left Destination Maternity in tears. Fortunately, my husband was there to comfort me but it wasn't enough. It left me in a funk all day that I couldn't shake. So, I'm sharing my heart with all of you to challenge myself. Do I want to teach my children to be hypercritical and self conscious? Do I want to live in a constant state of pressure and expectation? No. Absolutely not.

Step #1: Honesty. 
I spent some time simply asking God to help me see myself with His eyes and shared with my husband what I was really feeling today.

Step #2: Help.
I met with my new assistant today to go over her position with EPC so I can take the breath I desperately need. This is part of realizing that I can't do it on my own and don't want to.

Step #3: Hope. 
I'm writing this post to publicly admit that I'm not perfect and to challenge myself and others to face that fear.

This is going to take time and I'm in process, but putting this out there in blogosphere gets me another step closer to heart change. I'm real and really struggling but I have hope that it will get better. So... if you see me this summer in a bikini and nine months pregnant - don't judge. I'm facing my fears and completely freaked out.

With lots of love and compassion to all moms out there this week, 

xo Liz